The New Nurse Starter Pack

ITEM 1

1. A brand-new Mercedes

• Financed for 72 monthsYou deserve it. So does the bank
• Parked on the top floor of the garageA 15-minute walk to the unit

OR

2. The Mercedes GLE

• Room for one nursePlus six tote bags and a potluck crockpot
• Big enough to nap inBetween a double and a mandatory class

Photo: Autobilder Gratis, CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons.

ITEM 2

3. The nice wigs

• Work hair: scrub capDay-off hair: a whole new person
• A new unit every weekendHair unit. Not nursing unit

ITEM 3

4. Hokas or On Clouds

• Bought before the first shiftMore money on shoes than on textbooks
• Worth every pennyAround hour 11

ITEM 4

5. The Owala

• Refilled three times a shiftBathroom breaks taken: zero
• Color-coordinatedWith the scrubs, the badge reel and the car

ITEM 5

6. The designer scrubs

• Joggers that cost more than the car paymentStained by 0800
• Five colors, one of eachUnit dress code: navy only

ITEM 6

7. The engraved stethoscope

• Rose gold. Custom engraved.Name and credentials, in cursive
• Left in a patient roomBy week 2

ITEM 7

8. The charm bracelet

• A charm for every milestonePassed NCLEX. First IV. Survived orientation
• Next charmThe first time a patient asks for you by name

ITEM 8

9. The sign-on bonus

• Sign-on bonus: spentClawback clause: unread
• Spent on what?Scroll back. All of it

ITEM 9

10. The vacation

• Cruise booked for after orientationPTO accrued: 4 hours
• Already picked the cabinHasn't seen the holiday schedule

ITEM 10

11. The bum boyfriend

• "Between opportunities"Since 2023
• Calls the Mercedes "our car"Has never once paid for gas

THE VERDICT

12. More than 3 of these? You might be a new nurse

• A brand-new Mercedes (or the GLE)
• The nice wigs, Hokas or On Clouds, the Owala
• Designer scrubs and an engraved stethoscope
• A charm bracelet and a spent sign-on bonus
• A cruise booked with 4 hours of PTO
• The bum boyfriend (somehow always included)